It’s Deadline Day, the day that Sky Sports have made, for some reason, bigger than FA Cup Final day. It is comfortably the most bonkers football day of the year and The Blog FC is here to hold your hand through every truth, half-truth and outright lie as the transfers come thick and fast right up until 3am local time.
03:12am AEST: #bantz. See ya!
Glad the window has shut, it’s absolutely pissing down outside.
— Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) September 1, 2015
03:08am AEST: Just one last update before we pack it in. Tiago Ilori HAS moved to Aston Villa on a one-year loan with an option to make it a permanent deal. What a successful signing he turned out to be…
— THE ANFIELD WRAP (@TheAnfieldWrap) September 1, 2015
#LFC have also had a PL deal sheet accepted on Brazilian youngster Allan Rodrigues de Souza, who has been training with them all summer
— James Pearce (@JamesPearceEcho) September 1, 2015
03:00am AEST: And that’s that. The window has slammed shut. I didn’t hear it slam but it did. Sources will confirm, just check Twitter. The fun isn’t over though – well it is for me, I’m going to bed – as Sporting Intelligence reminds us.
** Deal sheets ** (Basically two hours of extra time on the window).
— sportingintelligence (@sportingintel) September 1, 2015
That’s it from me, your friend in football, Mark Houston. We’ll be back to round up all of the last-minute action from the two-hour Power Play window tomorrow morning. But until then, I just want to say thank you for riding with us, comrades. Thank you for giving me the best day of my life.
Is Jim White self-consciously aware of all this and playing it up for irony now, or is he back around to believing the hype?
— Miguel Delaney (@MiguelDelaney) September 1, 2015
Remember those we lost today; De Gea, Berahino, Walters. Everything will be alright lads.
02:59am AEST: 1
02:59am AEST: 2
02:59am AEST: 3
02:59am AEST: 4… Tiago Ilori deal can still go through.
Still time for Aston Villa to sign Tiago Ilori. A deal sheet has been submitted to the Premier League giving them until 8pm to get it done.
— Tony Barrett (@TonyBarretTimes) September 1, 2015
02:59am AEST: 6… Martial will wear the number 9 jersey at Man Utd.
02:59am AEST: 7
02:59am AEST: 8
02:59am AEST: 9
02:59am AEST: 10
02:59am AEST: Looks like Jedinak will be staying with Palace, and no word on Adebayor. This is not what we wanted. Not what we wanted at all.
02:55am AEST: CHELSEA HAVE SIGNED THE CENTRE HALF THEY WERE AFTER! No, not Marquinhos. Not John Stones. Chelsea have signed Michael Hector from Reading for £4m. They’ve also sent him back there on loan. What excitement! I can’t feel my face.
— Chelsea FC (@ChelseaFC) September 1, 2015
Meanwhile, with just minutes to go, Jon Walters has been told he’s going nowhere. He’ll probably say “no, you’re wrong, I’m going home,” and they’ll all have a laugh.
02:50am AEST: Ten minutes to go and Jim tells us Arsenal fans have been getting in touch “because they want a new signing”. I’m not sure that’s how it works guys.
*Rushes to Twitter and requests Jim gets Jose Maria Gimenez, Miralem Pjanic and Isco to Liverpool before the deadline*
We’ve just learned that on top of the £36m United have paid for Martial, there is a clause included in the event that he wins the Ballon d’Or. Cue OTT expectations.
02:43am AEST: Sky reporter has just called him “DeAndro” Yedlin. The other reporter was calling Mile “Meel” Jedinak. Amateurs. They sound like Adam “Sporting Shishon” Dow. You’ll understand that reference when you listen to the latest episode of The Pod FC.
02:40am AEST: DING! DING! DING! There’s the 20-minute warning bell, everyone. We’re nearly there. It looks like we’ve missed one or two confirmations though so I’ll fill you in on those. DeAndre Yedlin has moved on loan from Tottenham to Sunderland, and Everton have secured the services of Ramiro Funes Mori from River Plate for £9.5m.
— Antö (@rossoAnto) September 1, 2015
02:35am AEST: And there’s the official Twitter confirmation on Ibarbo to Watford, while Tiago Ilori looks like he’s actually off to Villa on loan.
— Watford FC (@WatfordFC) September 1, 2015
— Neil Jones (@neiljonesecho) September 1, 2015
02:33am AEST: Less than 30 minutes to go and I’m on the edge of my seat. No idea what’s going to happen next, but we’re going through this together so we’ll be okay. Fear not the unknown.
02:31am AEST: “No serious bids for Victor Wanyama,” says a Southampton representative. Just a few piss-takes then I imagine.
02:16am AEST: CONFIRMED: Anthony Martial is now a Manchester United player on a four-year contract, with the option of a further year.
— Manchester United (@ManUtd) September 1, 2015
Gary Neville has also said something reasonable.
The price for Martial is big. However it’s not the boys fault and I happen to think he’s a very good player. Needs a chance. He’s young
— Gary Neville (@GNev2) September 1, 2015
Meanwhile, some are trying to decipher Berahino’s cryptic tweet.
1) “I’ll never play <for> Jeremy Peace” 2) “I’ll never play, Jeremy Peace” 3) “I’ll never play <the unreleased board game> ‘Jeremy Peace.'”
— Michael Caley (@MC_of_A) September 1, 2015
I love listening to Pearl Jam’s album ‘Ten’ but I will never play Jeremy. Peace
— amar singh (@amarjourno) September 1, 2015
It’s just predictive text gone wrong. “Very well for very long without doing something dumb” comes out as “Jeremy Peace”
— Barney Ronay (@barneyronay) September 1, 2015
02:13am AEST: So Saido Berahino hasn’t exactly bitten his tongue following a fourth, and supposedly final, bid from Tottenham was rejected by WBA. He should take a leaf out of Peter Odemwingie’s book and jump in his car and park in the training ground.
You wouldn’t pick him as a former Aidy Ward client would you?
Sad how i cant say exactly how the club has treated me but i can officially say i will never play Jeremy Peace.
— Saido Berahino (@SBerahino) September 1, 2015
02:08am AEST: In an emotional and inspiring demonstration of solidarity and the true meaning of Deadline Day, Liverpool, Arsenal and Everton fan TV shows have come together to play FIFA 98. This is what it’s all about, ladies and gentlemen. HDD to you all.
02:04am AEST: I would rather see USA Soccer Guy in the studio.
Man Unity reject move for Irish playmaker Mark O’Reus. http://t.co/8AvYYZVfES
— Soccer Guy (@usasoccerguy) September 1, 2015
@usasoccerguy they should go for his team mate and countryman Mick O’Tarian
— James Goyder (@JamesGoyder) September 1, 2015
02:01 AEST: We’re into the final hour, and Thierry Henry and Jamie Redknapp have joined Jim and co in the studio because… well I don’t really know why. But they’re there. And there’s nothing we can do about it.
01:56am AEST: Norwich have had a crack at Everton’s Steven Naismith, but their £8m offer for the Scottish international has been rejected by Everton.
Nathan Dyer has just arrived at Leicester City’s training ground in a helicopter to get his loan from Swansea finalised, and Sky Sports are losing their shit. This is what the Premier League is all about. Remember when football used to be about the common man? Those were the days (haha I’m only 26 I have no idea what they were like).
Back on the DDG train (because who wants to get off? It’s not stopping any time soon anyway) and Keylor Navas’ father has had his say on the matter:
Navas Sr.: “The press want a Spanish keeper at Real” http://t.co/g7h4j3OKkD
— AS English (@English_AS) September 1, 2015
While Spanish football expert Sid Lowe has put together his take on the deal.
Real Madrid accuse Manchester United of holding up David de Gea deal http://t.co/MeNaTRsBpz
— Sid Lowe (@sidlowe) September 1, 2015
01:52am AEST: Jamie Carragher has had his say on the David De Gea saga, and has remained neutral as expected.
I’m happy DDG is staying his head won’t be right, he’ll go for free next summer & Man Utd haven’t got 20 mil to panic with today.
— Jamie Carragher (@Carra23) September 1, 2015
01:50am AEST: So Charlie Austin looks set to stay at QPR. The big man himself retweeted this:
Charlie Austin will stay at QPR this window. Likely to see out his contract that expires summer of 2016. More at @Independent
— Sam Wallace (@SamWallaceIndy) September 1, 2015
Or he’s just taking the piss. Time will tell.
01:44am AEST: It looks like Aaron Lennon will be moving back to Goodison Park, though this time on a permanent deal. I doubt he’ll be as happy as he was last time around.
— TheSportMatrix (@TheSportMatrix) September 1, 2015
01:38am AEST: According to Miguel Delaney at ESPN FC, Monaco decided to up their price for Anthony Martial by £15m because they figured Manchester United were pretty desperate. He also reports that United weren’t willing to match Borussia Dortmund’s asking price for Marco Reus, which seems inconsistent with their approach this window which could be likened to some drunk idiot at a silent auction running around trying to outbid everyone and seeing what they end up with in the morning.
BREAKING AUSSIE NEWS: Mile Jedinak is negotiating personal terms with Stoke City after a fee has apparently been agreed with Crystal Palace. Now we’re talking.
01:35am AEST: Sky pissing themselves with excitement that this Deadline Day will probably be the most expensive ever. If you look at the inflation of transfer prices and how they go up every year it’s pretty logical innit? They are pretty big tits over there though aren’t they?
— James Pearce (@JamesPearceEcho) September 1, 2015
01:20am AEST: Various sources now reporting that pace merchant and Fifa 15 Ultimate Team hero Victor Ibarbo has signed for Watford on a season-long loan. I’m quite sure he’s not much of a footballer but all these hip kids on the Twitters and that think he’s a great addition to the Premier League. They keep talking about chemistry or something too. Weirdos.
01:17am AEST: How smug these reporters are when they drop lines like “I was just on the phone to Emmanuel (Adebayor)” just makes the likes of Rampaging Roy Slaven and HG Nelson even funnier.
01:13am AEST: Oh bloody, hell. More breaking news. Jim just attracts headlines doesn’t he? A third bid for Saido Berahino has been knocked back from West Brom, and it looks like he won’t be going to Tottenham Hotspur. Tony Pulis has gone home and they think that’ll be that for them. I wouldn’t rule out something big from Daniel Levy with Jim in the hotseat though.
Goodness me, Jim’s on fire. Here’s another one: PSG have rejected two bids from Chelsea for centre-back Marquinhos, apparently in the region of €50m. Jose gonna be grumpy if they don’t get that big-name defender today.
01:10am AEST: Okay, we have some real news coming through now, West Ham United have signed Michail Antonio on a four-year deal. That was actually announced a little while ago on Twitter, I’ve discovered, but Sky are trying to pass it off as if they’ve broken the story. Sure, whatever, it’s your day guys.
Antonio has had a little dig at Liverpool in his car-window interview there too. Cheeky.
There’s also some talk Emmanuel Adebayor could be joining the Hammers too (because it’s in fashion today innit?) but he needs to agree a payoff with Spurs as West Ham have already filled their domestic loan quota. Adebayor is apparently sitting at home watching Deadline Day. Good for him. Oh Emmanuel Adebayor, he’s one of our own.
It seems like West Ham have thought “hey, fuck it, we get a new stadium for free soon, let’s just go silly”.
01:06am AEST: Manchester City using the word “greatest” very, very liberally there.
— Manchester City FC (@MCFC) September 1, 2015
01:02am AEST: Sky have just done a tour of their studio, running us through all the teams of staff they have focused on Deadline Day. What I’ve established is they have far too much money.
They’ve also informed us Jim White has now overtaken Daniel Craig on the trendmap of the UK. I regret everything bad I said about Jim before, for I have now seen the light.
01:00am AEST: Oh FFS, Jim White has just walked in. I was joking before and thought he wasn’t doing it this year. At least we only have to put up with two hours of him. Last year we likened him and his self-importance to a character in a film who’s been called into NASA to take control of an Apollo 13-like situation. This is pretty accurate too.
Jim White is coming into the studio. It’s like the iconic scene in Jurassic Park when you first see the T-Rex. Only more lizard-like.
— The Football Ramble (@FootballRamble) September 1, 2015
00:57am AEST: I take that back. Some good has come from today. All praise Jim White and Sky Sources.
Game changer. I can now say ‘Net Spend’ in Norwegian.
— Iain Macintosh (@iainmacintosh) September 1, 2015
00:55am AEST: The more I think about Deadline Day as a concept and an event the more I start to hate football (and myself, for doing this blog). There are a lot of news reporters stationed out the front of training grounds because something might happen. That something is a dude will come in and write his name on a piece of paper after getting a once over from a man in rubber gloves. SMDH. There hasn’t even been any silly string or a Deadline Dildo this year. I guess the Football Manager expert makes up for it a little. How did he score that gig?
00:48am AEST: I’m just going to leave these here…
@FootballRamble BBC live feed has a football manager expert imparting wisdom such as ‘he averages 7.12 over last 5 years’. I mean, really?
— Ste Davies (@StevenD1977) September 1, 2015
00:40am AEST: Seeing as there’s a bit of a lull at the moment and John Stones hasn’t driven his car down to Chelsea’s training complex in tears yet begging Mourinho to “just make them leave me alone”, I figure this is a good opportunity to run through some of the other deals that have gone down in the last day or so in the lead up to England’s transfer deadline, and before the European window closed.
Tyler Blackett has gone on loan from Manchester United to Celtic, who of course won’t be in the Champions League this season after cocking up their qualifying tie. Lazar Markovic will also be playing in the Europa League, though not with Liverpool, as he’s joined Fenerbahce on loan for the season after a fairly inconsistent 2014-15 – which is to be expected when Brendan Rodgers’ selections of him weren’t exactly consistent themselves. Who’d have thought a left-winger/trequartista would only be average at right wing-back?
Kevin De Bruyne was of course the big deal that went down yesterday, with the Belgian returning to the Premier League for a whopping £55m moving from Wolfsburg to Manchester City. Kingsley Coman on the other hand has joined the Bundesliga, moving from Juventus to Bayern Munich on a season-long loan. Paolo De Ciglie and Mauricio Isla meanwhile have left Turin, and will be on loan at Marseille this season, while Ricky van Wolfswinkel (still the greatest name going around) has joined Spanish side Real Betis on loan from Norwich.
Former Swansea man Pablo Hernandez will be turning out in the red sash of Rayo Vallecano, on loan from Al-Arabi, and Jakub “Kuba” Blaszsczykowski has left Borussia Dortmund for Fiorentina while Adnan Januzaj has moved to the Westfalonstadion on loan from Man Utd.
AC Milan starlet Hachim Mastour has secured himself a loan-deal at Malaga, where he’ll be expected to get some first-team football which is bloody exciting for anyone who has seen any of his YouTube videos or signed him on Football Manager before.
Moving away from loan deals and a few well-known names across European football have moved on as free transfers. Thomas Sorensen has come to our very own A-League, signing for Melbourne City, while Jonas Gutierrez, Dante and Javi Guera have signed for Deportivo La Coruña, Wolfsburg and Rayo respectively.
Raul Garcia has departed Atletico Madrid, signing for Basque side Athletic, journeyman Lorik Cana has moved from Lazio to Nantes, and long-time Arsenal target Julian Draxler has signed for Wolfsburg to fill the Kevin De Bruyne-sized hole in their attacking midfield.
Speaking of Arsenal…
Arsenal and Arsène Wenger are not trying to sign Edinson Cavani or Adrien Rabiot from PSG, who would not sell anyway.
— Julien Laurens (@LaurensJulien) September 1, 2015
And capping off the biggest moves of the last day or so, James Troisi is off Juve’s books, signing for Ittihad FC, Ivan Perisic finally followed Draxler and moved from Inter to Wolfsburg, Felipe Melo then took his place at Inter from Galatasaray, Fabio Borini moved to Sunderland a year later than he should have, Javier “Chicharito” Hernandez moved to Bayer Leverkusen where he might not warm the bench, and Hernanes traded the Nerrazzuri for the Bianconeri, signing for Juventus from Inter.
God, that was an effort. I think I’ve covered all the big moves there though, so you’re welcome.
00:08am AEST: According to the Daily Telegraph (the UK one, not our propaganda rag) Arsenal are the only side in Europe to have not signed a single outfield player this window. What happened to that warchest? And Benzema? And Vidal?
Chelsea on the other hand have signed outfield players, including Papy Djilobodji, whose transfer has just been confirmed by the West London club. We look forward to seeing him in a Vitesse Arnhem jersey in January.
— Chelsea FC (@ChelseaFC) September 1, 2015
11:55pm AEST: Okay we have news on the most anticipated move of the day. James Pearce of the Liverpool Echo is convinced that Jose Enrique’s rumoured move to West Brom will not be happening. I personally had genuinely forgotten Jose still existed, but there you go. Still with Liverpool, Tiago Ilori, who is turning into Merseyside’s version of Victor Moses who is permanently on loan, looks like he may be joining Aston Villa for the season. I get the feeling the Portuguese youth international may fancy a game in Liverpool’s defensive line. He surely can’t make it any worse than it was on the weekend, can he?
Jose Enrique’s future remains uncertain. Move to West Brom is not happening. #LFC
— James Pearce (@JamesPearceEcho) September 1, 2015
11:49pm AEST: Today is forever going to be known as The David De Gea Deadline Day (or the DDGDD for those who enjoy acronyms).
— Steve Busfield (@Busfield) September 1, 2015
11:40pm AEST: First confirmed deal of my reign, Van Dijk signs for Saints. Judging by the video Julian (or J-Keys, Christ I know there are people who give themselves nicknames but I didn’t know I knew any of them) posted below, he should be a lot of fun. Probably not good news for big Stevie Caulker though. Does he like Stevie? Or just Steven? Whatever. There’s a Stevie-shaped hole in the league now with Gerrard moving to MLS. You can be it Caulks. You. Can. Be. It.
— Southampton FC (@SouthamptonFC) September 1, 2015
Villa have also signed goalkeeper Matija Sarkic, but let’s be honest, he’s not as exciting as some loony Dutch centre-back.
11:28pm AEST: Real Madrid have released a 10-point statement on the circumstances surrounding De Gea’s failed move. Meanwhile, in England, Julian Dicks, the West Ham first team coach, has given an interview from his car window. Harry’s legacy lives on.
— Real Madrid C.F. (@realmadriden) September 1, 2015
11:15pm AEST: Right, thanks J-Keys (WTF?). Transfer den fully operational and ready to go on the home straight of Summer Deadline Day 2015. Thanks to that Bank Holiday in England yesterday we’re fortunate to be treated to an exclusively English Deadline Day, which of course began with the absolutely bizarre series of events that led to David “doughnut” De Gea having his dream move to Real Madrid shot down by Betty in accounts over at the Bernabeu after she failed to lodge the necessary paperwork to the LFP in time. Since then we’ve had claim and counter-claim as both clubs take turns at pointing the finger of blame. To make things even more confusing, the Champions League are apologising for causing more confusion. Nice of them, but surely we just need everyone to take a step back and just breathe for a moment or two. It’s already out of hand and we don’t need it any further out of hand.
— Champions League (@ChampionsLeague) September 1, 2015
11:00pm AEST: And so ends my leg of the tour. I’ll be spending the rest of this deadline day in tears at how woefully inept Manchester United are at transfers now. Don’t go anywhere, you’ll shortly be treated to the “unique” comedy stylings of Kark Houston, coming to you live from his transfer den. J-Keys, OUT.
10:40pm AEST: Glad we’ve sorted that, then. Feel free to let the outrage flow.
Remember everyone: your team’s problems are caused and resolved by what has or hasn’t happened in the transfer market. Nothing else.
— Rory Smith (@RorySmithTimes) August 30, 2015
10:25pm AEST: Sky Sports have just informed me that every Premier League club has made at least five signings… Except for, you guessed it, Arsenal! Will the London outfit’s shrewd transfer policy lead them to domestic glory? (The answer is no).
10:10pm AEST: Oh my god. Going into this deadline day I was downright gutted that everyone’s favourite wheeler dealer, Harry Redknapp, wouldn’t be giving interviews from his car window this season, what with being comprehensively unemployed, but the big dog has come through for us one more time with a new flavour of video entertainment:
9:57pm AEST: It seems as though Southampton are likely to sign Celtic defender Virgil van Dijk for around £11.5m and we can assure that if you’re a Saints fan and you enjoy your central defenders trying to beat a man on the edge of the opposition penalty area then you are going to LOVE van Dijk.
9:45pm AEST: So it seems David de Gea will remain a Manchester United player this season after last night’s paperwork gaff. The non-deal will cost the club a fair chunk of money as De Gea will leave at the end of this season, but there’s something so nice about knowing Real Madrid have totally cocked this up. I imagine big Dave won’t be this happy in the Old Trafford stands anymore…
9:40pm AEST: They may not have their showpiece this year, but Sky Sports are doing their absolute darndest to keep us entertained. This wonderful exchange just played out regarding John Stones:
“I honestly don’t believe John Stones wanted to leave Everton…”
“Well he did hand in a transfer request?”
“No… well… I dont care about that, I believe he doesn’t want to go.”
9:36pm AEST: Meanwhile Chelsea have managed to venture into Ligue 1 and not spend a gazillion dollars…
9:35pm AEST: It looks like Manchester United’s biggest worry isn’t actually that they’re abysmal at transfers, it’s this…
9:23pm AEST: One of the big deals that broke yesterday was that Manchester United were stumping £36m for 19-year-old striker Anthony Martial from AS Monaco. Martial has apparently completed his medical now and should be announced later tonight.
9:19pm AEST: West Ham have been mighty busy this afternoon, confirming three new players already. Victor Moses and Alex Song come in on loan while confirmed big-nose Nikica Jelavic has signed a two-year deal from Hull City.
9:11pm AEST: DONE DEAL! AFC Bournemouth have signed striker Glenn Murray from Crystal Palace. Well that’s… nice, I guess?
9:00pm AEST: I’d like to take this opportunity to implore you to go and look at the absolute farce the David de Gea transfer saga has turned into, take a look at this recap and then enjoy our exclusive live look at the Real Madrid admin staff:
8:58pm AEST: But in much better news for the Villans, it looks as if the Midlands club could be in for everyone’s favourite durry smoking footballer and all-around cool guy, Dimitar Berbatov. (Take THAT Jack Wilshere and Wojciech Szczesny!)
8:55pm AEST: Right, it seems the clubs in England are being a bit rude and not giving me a chance to recap what’s happened so far – it looks like Aston Villa plan to be pretty active with word their signing of one Joleon Lescott from West Brom is imminent! Well, well, what an awful signing that will be.
8:52pm AEST: Before we start wrapping some of the transfers that have happened so far, let’s take a moment of silence to pay respect to the fallen: Those brave, brave souls that camped out in front of every major football ground in the country in the name of great journalism and even greater comedy… Done? Good. Now let’s enjoy this absolute ripper from last year featuring a big ol’ purple dildo and reminisce on the good times.
8:50pm AEST: Welcome one and all to The Blog FC’s Deadline Day Live coverage! Lot’s of updates probably, maybe, I guess, comin’ at ya tonight – stay tuned…