EPL Stoppage Time: Deadline Day Special

With Deadline Day™ upon us, The Blog FC’s answer to Sky Sports’ Jim White, Thomas Stelzer, runs us through four imminent transfers that are more or less done deals… so long as no one gazumps or hijacks any bids. It’s been a while since we did a listicle. Enjoy.

Barry Cotter to Manchester United

After fruitless months trying, and failing, to sign some of the world’s greatest players, Manchester United capped their summer of spurned lovers with an audacious and laughably optimistic bid for Barcelona’s Neymar. Fresh off a treble-winning season as one prong of arguably Europe’s greatest ever attacking trio, the Brazilian seemed unlikely to move.

But with the Red Devils seemingly hell-bent on throwing money around like a drunken sailor on shore leave, my advice to Ed Woodward and co. is simple – if you can’t get the real thing, go for the imitation.

Step forward 16-year-old Barry Cotter, whose striking resemblance to the Brazilian superstar secures his status as football’s greatest doppelganger, surpassing reigning champions Vincent Kompany and a baked bean.

Whether such a meagre move will satisfy Woodward and Louis van Gaal’s profligate tendencies is another question, but if they need to inflate the fee in order to keep up appearances as one of Europe’s big boys, I’m sure the real Neymar’s father will be more than happy to involve himself.

At the very least Cotter looks more likely to score a Premier League goal this season than Wayne Rooney currently does.

Neymar is supposedly the most marketable footballer in the world. Maybe Cotter can cash in as his body double?
Neymar is supposedly the most marketable footballer in the world. Maybe Cotter can cash in as his body double?

A French Teenager You’ve Never Heard Of to Arsenal

Always one to stick to his guns in the face of overwhelming objection from supporters, Arsene Wenger looks resolute in his refusal to sign the world-class striker Arsenal desperately need.

After a frustrating start to the season that has simply re-emphasised the Gunners’ distinct lack of end product, Wenger looks happy to see out Deadline Day without bolstering his attacking options, despite the concerns and criticisms of almost everyone else.

It would therefore be entirely characteristic of him to fly in the face of the feedback and sign a talented midfield starlet who Arsenal neither need nor want. While his youth policy should be applauded, it seems too good an opportunity for the Frenchmen to not troll his critics and is a worthwhile move if only for the inevitable Claude meltdown on ArsenalFanTV and a dramatic spike in the already tired hashtag: #wengerout.

Serge from Kasabian to Leicester City

Claudio Rainieri has been keen to attribute a share of Leicester City’s best-in-Europe form to the stomping psych-rock tunes of local boys Kasabian. The band are big Foxes fans and what better way for the high-flying club to give back to the community by offering a local boy a shot at the big time. Serge Pizzorno, erstwhile guitarist in Kasabian, dreamed of being a professional footballer as a kid. When that didn’t work out, he became a famous rockstar, a career path I’m sure many of us are familiar with.

Whilst I imagine he follows a diet and fitness regime not seen in England’s top flight since the days of George Best, Serge seems an ideal attacking option for the impressive Leicester side if his Soccer AM form is anything to go by.

Michael Owen to Anyone

Just get him out of the commentary box.

Like last year, The Blog FC will be live-blogging Deadline Day, so stay tuned from around 8pm AEST tonight for all the absolute nonsense that will ensue.